Wanting Approval

Approval.

Always seeking.

Never getting.

I’ve always felt this way with my parents ever since I can remember.

Looking for them to say “great job”.

I’m proud – of YOU.

Never.

It hurts.

Even now, as an adult, I still search for it.

I’m not a doctor. Or lawyer.

I didn’t marry of the same culture or religion.

My kids don’t know much of the language.

I’m doing pretty well for myself but I never hear a “good for you” let alone a pat on the back.

Why do I still search for their approval?

Because although I’m all grown up with a family of my own, I still want their approval.

I want them to be proud of me.

But show it.

Say it!

Utter the damn words!

What do you think, I’m going to grow a big head if you tell me a simple “good job”?

Don’t I deserve a little recognition, from my own parents?

My own family?

Why is having their approval so important to me anyway?  I’m a grown woman for God’s sake!  But yet, there it is…

I may not be the perfect person, or mother, or daughter, or whatever – but I try damn hard.  I used to try really hard to please my family.  Both sides of the family.  Go out of my way for everyone.

But no more.

I’ve tried so hard… but I’ve had enough.

I’m tired. 

I want to be appreciated. 

I want a simple “yay for you”, “congrats” or a mere “thank you”.

I can almost  feel the old guilt creeping back in…

But I stop it right there.

I won’t let it take over.

I won’t be made to feel like a child again.

I’m done.


What is Happiness? Can We Truly Find It?

Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

What is the opposite of happiness? 

Sadness is an emotion characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, helplessness, sorrow, and rage.

You can have it all… money, fame, fortune, love, health and yet still manage to be unhappy.  Why?

It is the  nature of the human beast that always wants more.

We think the grass is always greener, but it’s not.  We think that having more, whether it be material things or love or success, will make us happier.

No matter what your circumstance, there will always be  an issue, problem, disappointment, failure.  No matter what happens in your life, external influences will never cease to affect you. 

The trick is how to  perceive and accept them.

Happiness is not an emotion that others can provide for you. 

It’s a feeling that truly can only evolve from within.

As a child, that happiness flows with dreams and fantasy world providing much joy and excitement for life.

As you grow older, you become cynical and hard… dreams unmet.  Heart broken.  Disappointed by people.  Stuck in a rut.  All of these things kills those wonderful, child-like emotions.  Reality sets in.

But it doesn’t have to take over.

Today, happiness for me means “contentment”. 

And I’m ok with that.


A Year In Review: The Dark, Bitchy Side

Happy New Year 2011The countdown to the New Year begins… 

And with it comes a reflection of the past year and all of the various positive experiences had, amazing people met and valuable lessons learned.

It also comes with a reminder of those difficult days… those struggling times… the drudgery of getting through those awful moments where you want to just curl up on your bed and stay there for days. 

It’s been a year full of ups and downs, like anyone can relate to.  Although I like to focus on the good stuff, I think back and remember some of the bad emotions and tough times that I’ve had.

Bitching and venting has been a savior. Truly.

Although most don’t want to hear my bitching and complaining, it’s a way to let out my frustrations. And I think I fucking deserve to speak out, whether or not it’s just to myself. 

I plan to ring in the new year with a positive attitude, and allow myself to bitch in increments – alloted times will be allowed so that the bitchiness is not constant and overwhelming.  I will let it all fester until the time must come for it to explode, and explode it will – in one, cleansing shot.

Fair enough?


Who is The Bitchy Goddess?

I have three kids.

Well two actually.  The third is my husband.

He’s the biggest kid of all.

I often have to tell him how to do things, just like I tell the kids.

The forks are in the drawer, the sugar is in the cabinet, your fucking underwear is in the fucking laundry basket that has been sitting there for a goddamn week!

Fuck!

Do I need to be a mother to him too?  For fuck’s sakes, he should have married his own mother if he was expecting to have me do it all for him.

So yes, I have three boys in the house.

That’s enough to drive any woman crazy…

and drive her to bitch.


The Bitching Begins



I’m a goddess. And I love to bitch.

What fun would life be if we couldn’t openly bitch, vent, complain, analyze and share our real feelings?

I’m getting real personal here – it’s my open forum to spill it all.

All the bull-shit, mother-fucking stupidities and crappy realities of this life, will be shared here.

So either join me for the ride or shut the fuck up and move on.